I can recall a time when I found myself in a season of what I like to call “accidental abstinence.” For 20 months and 19 days, I had no one to date, mate, or relate with, and I thought that that would be my way of life until I got married. That was until one day, I woke up and realized that I was no longer about that abstinence life and was ready to get back to my sexually liberated self and end this dry spell once and for all.
Getting back into the sack was not as easy as I thought it would be. After all, it had been almost two years since I last laid skin to skin with a man and was worried that I may have lost my touch. I overanalyzed, obsessed, and contemplated everything from what to do when the next opportunity presented itself to if my body was acceptable or not. Finally, after all of the back and forth, I came up with these eight ways to help ease my way back in.
Going through a dry spell can indeed do a number on your confidence. You begin to feel unpretty and undesirable, thinking that no one would want you since you’ve gone so long without sex. Flirting is a great way to build your confidence back up, so take every opportunity to flirt. Whether it’s online, at the club, or when you’re out for drinks with friends, flirt with various people just to see if you still have it. You’ll find that each time they flirt back, it helps make you feel even sexier, more desired, and more confident.
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2. Date more
After flirting comes the dates. Dating helps get you more comfortable with interacting with potential suitors in intimate settings. You can overcome any awkwardness and get to know the person more to see if they are even worth sleeping with. It can also help you get an idea of what they would be like in the sack (because you can sometimes tell based on their conversation and characteristics).
3. Feel sexy for just yourself
Because you feel like you don’t have anyone to keep yourself up for, you might begin to forgo the tight dresses, higher-than-high heels, lingerie, and of course, monthly hair removal treatments. Once you’re ready to get back into the sack, slowly begin to make changes to get you back to your sexiest self so you can feel like the most confident, best version of yourself. Daily workouts, monthly waxes, regular lingerie purchases, fewer leggings, and more dresses can make a world of a difference in making you feel a bit better in your own skin. If you can’t be sexy for yourself, then how can you be sexy for someone else?
For some, going without sex means sex with themselves too. Sometimes you get so used to not having regular orgasms that you deprive yourself of yourself. So after getting sexified, begin having more solo intimate sessions. Running baths, lighting candles, and getting yourself in the mood more often can help you remember what you liked and what those feelings of pleasure feel like.
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While we should always be communicating our sexual needs with our partners, it’s especially important to have those conversations following an extended period without sex. After finding someone worth sleeping with, you should explain your sexless season. This allows your partner to be patient with you and not rush into anything. It also helps develop an extra level of comfort knowing that they will be as gentle as possible.
6. Release expectations
Getting back into the sack following a dry spell can cause you to have the highest of expectations, many of which are unrealistic. While we would all love for someone to throw us over a bed of roses and to see fireworks with each orgasm, it just won’t happen that way. Things are going to go wrong, it might get awkward at one point, and in some cases, it may be over before it even gets started. Just know that it won’t be perfect. The most important thing is to be relaxed and comfortable.
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Now, we all know how important foreplay is. But it is even more important after not having sex for a while, and not just physically—foreplay helps with the mental and emotional sides of things too. It can help develop emotional connections and get you mentally prepared for what’s about to happen.
8. Just do it
Remember that sex is like riding a bicycle: You don’t forget it. While we may think that after having gone through a dry spell, we don’t know how to do it anymore, the reality is that we do. We just need to jump right into it—or on top of it—and allow our memory to be our best guide.